The Originals Season 2, Episode 9: "The Map of Moments" Recap/Review

Welp, we had Thanksgiving in May a couple weeks ago, and now we get Christmas in June, because in this episode of The Originals, the Mikealsons (Elijah, Klaus, Rebekah, Hope, and Hayley) are finally all reunited for the first time in ages at their new safe house, and it is MAGICAL. Photos are taken, bonfires are had, and tons and tons of scheming and plotting go down, reminding us that when the four of them put their heads together, they're pretty amazing and unstoppable. Not to mention that Kol gave them an assist, though his good deed is a liiiiiiiiittle less impressive when he gets even with Rebekah regarding a grudge he's been holding since 1914. The best news to come out of this episode is that, for now, Esther has been de-powered, because her daughter managed to turn her into a vampire without her even suspecting it, proving once and for all that Rebekah is as devious as her brothers and does not get the credit she deserves.

But, why summarize everything in the introduction when we could just get to talking about "The Map of Moments," which is yet another fabulous episode in what has quickly become my favorite show? Let's dig in!

Previously, on The Originals: Esther, Kol, and Finn magically came back to life (though they're forced to possess the bodies of the witches Lenore Shaw, Kaleb Westphall, and Finn Mikaelson, respectively) as part of Esther's goal to reunite and heal her children by putting Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah and Hayley into mortal witch or werewolf bodies and living as a big, happy, dysfunctional family. Klaus tried to get Finn and Kol to join him and side against Esther, and though Kol predictably went with Klaus when he learned it served his interests, Finn stayed adamantly on Team Esther, earning him an indefinite coffin nap for his troubles. Esther previously sent Finn to get close to Cami, and it was revealed she did this not only to get the inside scoop on Klaus and the gang, but to also prepare Cami's body as a vessel for Rebekah, which did not make Cami very thrilled to hear. Esther sent a flock of starlings to track Rebekah down (though fortunately, she still has no idea that Hope is still alive), which forced Rebekah and Hope to flee to a diner to meet up with Elijah, who is still suffering terrible PTSD-style flashbacks as a result of Esther's torture.

These visions caused him to lose it completely at the diner and violently feed on all of the diner's patrons, much to Rebekah's horror, and she decided to protect Hope by snapping Elijah's neck and fleeing to the family's new safe house on Klaus' orders. Kol, who was sent by Esther to get close to Davina, ended up developing real (and requited) feelings for Davina, and the two decided to work together to use Kemiya magic and transmute one of the Original-neutralizing silver daggers into gold so it will work on Klaus. However, in order to do the spell, they need a paragon diamond to conduct the magic. Meanwhile, Hayley and Jackson learned that they could get the werewolves out from Esther and Finn's control by getting married in an Alpha binding ritual that would allow Hayley to share her hybrid ability to control her form with the rest of the pack, and she was just about to tell Klaus all about it when he informed her they were leaving to go see Hope for the first time in half a year. Yay!

SIDEBAR: This episode begins in a flashback to December 1914 in New Orleans. I can't remember if I've brought this up before, but have any of you watched The Originals: The Awakening, which was a series of three webisodes on The CW's website? They were companions to "Wheel Inside The Wheel," "Chasing The Devil's Tail," and "The Brothers That Care Forgot," and this episode was meant to serve as a conclusion to the stories told in this episode. It's not required to understand what is happening in the show, but it does shed some additional light on what was going on. For those of you who didn't watch, I'll give you the gist of it-- in 1914, the French Quarter witches were in the middle of a power struggle, which ultimately boiled down to two factions: Klaus' side, and Kol's side. Though Kol (who was still in his original body then) had quite a following, there were two witches in particular that he was close to, and they were Mary-Alice Claire (who Kol mentioned in "Wheel Inside The Wheel," and Astrid Bonne Chance.

Just like now, Kol was desperate to make a dagger that would actually work on Klaus, since by this time he'd already been daggered about a dozen times at LEAST, but since he was still a vampire at the time, he stole the paragon diamond he and Davina used in the modern day and taught Astrid and Mary-Alice how to perform Kemiya magic. To practice using Kemiya so they'd be ready to transform the dagger he stole from Klaus, he had the ladies create a number of dark objects, many of which we've seen throughout the last season and a half-- the Devil's Star that Marcel used to kill Monique in "From A Cradle To A Grave," the Rosary of Madness that Agnes used to hex Sean in the flashbacks in "Sinners And Saints," the Needle of Sorrows that Agnes used to stab Sophie, who was linked to Hayley, with the intention of causing her to miscarry Hope in "Fruit Of The Poisoned Tree," and the cursed shackles. And, in the last webisode, Kol used the Devil's Star to slaughter the Dowager Fauline and the entire congregation of St. Anne's Church, just so that they would be able to break into her house and steal her even larger paragon diamond, which is exactly where we pick up this episode! Okay, now on to the actual show!

So, carolers are outside singing "Carol of the Bells" around a bonfire just outside the Dowager Fauline's house as Astrid, Mary-Alice, and Kol all approach the front gate to the mansion. They keep calling Dowager Fauline's home a "cottage," but it is HUGE and full of valuables, so I'm sticking with mansion. Anyway, Mary-Alice quickly stops at the gate and murmurs an unintelligible spell under her breath as she slides a disembodied porcelain doll's head on one of the pikes in the fence before they enter the home. Kol grabs a gas lamp and instructs them all to split up to find what they're looking for before he heads into the next room. After searching a cabinet full of more creepy porcelain doll heads and several jewelry boxes, he finally finds the huge-ass paragon diamond he is after, which is being used as a stopper for a large, fancy bottle of some malt liquor. Kol is kind of impressed with her hiding-in-plain-sight scheme, and walks back over to meet with Mary-Alice and Astrid before he takes off and tells them to meet him in the cemetery, since they all have a date with a dagger.

Kol then strolls out the front door, but is immediately accosted by Klaus and Marcel, who look very dapper in their evening suits and tailored jackets. Marcel points out that it's very unusual that Kol is wearing gloves without a tailcoat, a statement to which Klaus agrees before determining that the gloves were more utilitarian than fashionable. Kol, annoyed by their good-cop/bad-cop routine, makes a snarky comment about not knowing the two were so interested in fashion, but Klaus assures him that he is, though Mayor Burman, who apparently informed them (or, let's be real, was blackmailed, compelled and/or tortured to spill his guts) that there were quite a few thefts in the city, which Marcel's research led them to the Dowager Fauline's home. "You know, she is famous for her collection of rare and priceless jewels-- most notably, of course, the perfect paragon diamond." Klaus explains airily, before he and Marcel both glare at Kol knowingly. 

When Kol remains silent, Klaus orders him to hand it over, and Kol, visibly angry, pulls it out of his pocket and slams it into Klaus' outstretched hand. Out of nowhere, a witch ally of Klaus' appears and turns the porcelain doll head on the fence so that its face is turned inward toward the house, rather than outward toward the street. She then mutters an incantation under her breath. Suddenly, they can all hear the sounds of frantic pounding on the door as Mary-Alice and Astrid attempt to escape, revealing that the boundary spell Mary-Alice had cast to ensure no one came in after them has been reversed so that instead, they are trapped inside the house. "Oh, I wouldn't be waiting for them," Klaus says to Kol as an afterthought. "You see, those women will never leave that house again. Merry Christmas, brother." Damn, that's cold! Which is kind of weird, because as we'll find out soon, Klaus didn't even know what Kol was PLANNING with that diamond yet-- he just knew Kol was stealing it, and wanted to ruin his day. Oh, brothers. TITLE CARD!

After the break, we return to the Mikaelson family's newest safe house, which is in the middle of rural Arkansas, from the look of it. Rebekah hangs a festive holiday wreath on the front door before she returns inside, where she finds Elijah leaning against the fireplace pensively. She declares their new home-away-from-home to be "rather nice," and when she finds a bottle of wine, she assumes aloud that Klaus compelled a wine lover to keep the house up and offers Elijah a sip of a 2005 bordot. Elijah isn't really amused by her overly cheerful demeanor, though, and replies, "I appreciate the sentiment, Rebekah, but I do recognize when I'm being handled with kid-gloves." Rebekah sighs and puts down the wine before asking him how he's feeling, to which Elijah responds, "Patronized." He then reminds her that the whole point of this endeavor was to protect Rebekah and Hope, and when Rebekah begins to say that she knows that he means to, Elijah asks her why she felt it necessary to snap his neck before bringing him to the house. "Well, you weren't yourself!" Rebekah argues, and adds that she needed to get all three of them out of that diner full of corpses. When she asks him what the hell happened there, Elijah, who is visibly tense, insists that he doesn't know, and once again states that Klaus sent him to protect hope, and he is intent on making sure that she's safe.

Back in New Orleans, Davina and Kol are in the courtyard of the Mikaelson compound, where they're performing a spell that involves murmuring a back-and-forth incantation and dipping a small poppet made out of straw into a cauldron full of some potion. Once the doll has been enchanted, Davina declares that the spell is done, but she's not convinced it's going to be enough to protect Cami's body from Esther's spirit possession magic. When Kol suggests a rather sexy way of distracting her troubled mind, Davina only manages to get out a giggle before Overprotective Dad Marcel appears out of nowhere to cock-block them by threatening to lock Kol in a coffin like Finn if he doesn't start taking this situation seriously. Kol argues that Marcel should "bugger off," because the spell they just cast needs to cook in peace, but Marcel reminds him that Cami doesn't have that kind of time, since Esther could jump anyone into Cami's body at any time. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," Kol replies, clearly annoyed by Marcel's overbearing behavior. 

"But she's not going to jump ANYBODY, she's going to jump REBEKAH," Kol adds. "Who just happens to be miles away. But, fair dues, Marcel, I think I'd be a bit testy, too, if my old ex was about to jump into my new ex. I think that would be a bit, uh..." Kol trails off, but Cami, who has just entered the room, finishes for him. "Awkward?" she says sweetly, but Kol smirks and says he was going to say "kinky," which gives Cami a laugh and makes Marcel scowl even harder than he already was. He vamps over to Kol and grabs him by the collar of the shirt, but Cami quickly pulls Marcel off of him and reminds him that Kol would probably do a better job of protecting her if he was still alive, leading Marcel to gruffly tell him to get back to work before the two of them leave. Once they're gone, Davina asks Kol what the hell is up with them, but Kol just states that being the odd-man-out in his own family has been getting old for centuries, since Klaus, Rebekah, and Elijah have always been a party of three who managed to find room for Marcel, but not for him. When Davina starts cleaning up the remnants of their spell, Kol mentions the paragon diamond he showed her in "Wheel Inside The Wheel," and informs her that it is the baby version, and that they need a bigger one to do the dagger spell. "A hundred years ago, I had it in my hand, and Marcel ratted me out to Klaus and they took it," Kol laments quietly, which gives Davina the idea to snoop around the compound together and steal it back, which makes Kol more in love with her than he already is. "It's like you're in my mind, Davina Claire!" he crows, and Davina laughs cheerfully. Oh, these two! They're too damn cute for life.

The next scene cuts back and forth between the Bayou and the lycée, so be advised! Mikael is in the middle of the woods in the Bayou and is viciously feeding on a werewolf when suddenly, a whole flock of starlings start flying around above him. Once the werewolf is dead, Mikael notices the starling and becomes suspicious, so he's not at all surprised when Esther, who is still in Lenore's body, appears before him and chastises him for slaughtering her werewolf sentries, which made me laugh so hard. I'm honestly pretty sad that we didn't get more Mikael/Esther interactions, because I'm really interested in how it is that they ended up together in the first place. Mikael points out that she's still up to her old tricks before adding. "Esther. I've missed you, wife. Have you missed me?" Esther just sighs and replies that she's probably missed him about as much as he's missed her, which is not the answer Mikael wanted. 

"That would explain why you brought your lover back from the Other Side without so much as a thought of me,' Mikael replies petulantly, in a way that doesn't really do much to garner much sympathy from anyone. "I will SLAUGHTER every single wolf I see until I am taken to the dog you saw fit to bring back from the dead!" Esther just rolls her eyes and tells him he can give it up, now, because Klaus already killed Ansel days ago. "Klaus may not be your blood, but he certainly picked up a few things from you along the way--" Esther begins, but Mikael just bellows at her not to bring up "the bastard son." God, he is still so old-school. Get with the times, dude! No one gives a shit if a person is born out of wedlock or the product of an affair anymore. (Well, besides the spouse that was cheated on, anyway. Esther just ignores him and continues to say, "--Resolution through violence. You're nothing if not consistent!" When Mikael glares at her mutinously, Esther invites him to try to strike her, as she guesses he's been desperately waiting for the day when he would get to do so, but when Mikael lunges for her, she vanishes into thin air, revealing that she's actually in the lycée, and was simply communicating with him through a form of astral projection. When she mutters the incantation that brings her back to the Bayou, she informs Mikael that they can finally sit down and talk, now that he's gotten that out of his system, because they have much to discuss. Yeah, you know that an alliance between Esther and Mikael does not bode well for ANYONE. It's going to be such a shit-show!

We then return to the safe house, where Elijah is sitting outside on the porch with Hope, who is sitting in her baby seat next to him. Rebekah is setting up a pile of firewood in the front lawn, and when she sees how hesitant Elijah appears to be, she assures him that Hope will not break if he touches her, and that she knows now that everything he's done was in the name of protecting her, so she's not worried about them. Elijah takes this as permission to pick Hope up into his arms with a gentle, "Hi, sweetheart," and WHOOPS, my ovaries just exploded from the intense adorableness that is Daniel Gillies holding a small child. He then realizes that Rebekah is setting up firewood and asks her if she's really doing what he thinks she's doing. "It's bonfire seasons!" Rebekah crows happily. "And I am reviving a family tradition! Especially since we're all going to be together." In this situation, Rebekah is totally me, because I'm like, YES! THE FAMILY IS BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. It would have been nice if Kol was there, too, but I get that they don't quite trust him with the secret of Hope yet, and Kolvina time is more than enough to satisfy me. 

Elijah reminds Rebekah that the only reason why they're together is because they're once again fleeing from their mentally deranged parents, and states that that is the REAL Mikaelson tradition. When he asks Rebekah why their family is always at war, Rebekah shrugs and says that she has no idea, but that her time spent raising Hope has made her see things differently than she did before. "We're not so bad," Rebekah says to Hope in a soft voice as she leans over and tickles her gently. "We're not the monsters our parents think we are." I love the kind of gothic fairy tale vibe this season has set up, especially the fact that Hope is this sweet baby princess who is watching in awe as witches, immortal creatures of the night, and men and women who can turn into beasts fight around her and over her. 

Just then, Klaus and Hayley pull into the driveway, and bless Hayley's heart, she doesn't even wait for Klaus to completely stop the car before she leaps out the passenger door and runs over to where Elijah, Hope, and Rebekah are waiting for them. She stops a couple feet away and just stares in shock as she takes in just how much her daughter has grown since she last saw her. Once Klaus catches up with her, Elijah wastes no time in handing Hope over to Hayley, and Hope and both of her parents are so in awe of each other that everything else fades away as they have their first reunion in over six months. UGH, MIKAELSON FAMILY FEELS ARE NO JOKE, YOU GUYS. My cold, dead heart has seriously melted into a puddle of goo on the floor. When Hope coos happily at the sight of her mother and father, Klaus and Hayley laugh before they start smothering her with kisses.

When we return from the break, the gang is discussing everything they've learned in the last couple of weeks so everyone is on the same page while Rebekah continues to set up the bonfire. Rebekah is shocked to hear that there's a curse on the firstborns of Esther's bloodline, so Klaus clarifies for her. "Well, according to Finn, our sister Freya didn't die of plague. She was taken as payment by our aunt Dahlia, who then cursed all Mikaelson firstborns for eternity." Hayley is visibly alarmed and asks if any of this is actually true, but Elijah is still skeptical, since neither Finn, nor Esther are exactly bastions of truth. "Well, no wonder Finn hates us!" Rebekah hilariously quips. "He lost the sister he adored, and instead got a judgy pack of siblings who found him unbearably dull." Have I mentioned how much I've missed Rebekah? Because seriously, everything is so much better when she's around. (It's also why I named my new Tumblr account after her, for those of you who want to follow me there!) Anyway, when Hayley asks if there are any chances of them running into their "loony" aunt Dahlia any time soon, Elijah assures them that they'll be fine, because the fable of this so-called firstborn curse is over a thousand years old, which means Dahlia must certainly be dead by now. 

Hayley has an excellent point, though, which is that Esther supposedly died a thousand years ago, too, and yet here we are, and the rest of them managed to gain near-immortality, so they probably shouldn't be so quick to assume that she's no longer a threat. Klaus insists to all of them that no one will be hurting Hope, because no one is going to find her. He then turns to Rebekah and assures her that if she adds any more wood to the bonfire, she'll burn down the entire state of Arkansas. Rebekah reminds them that they're missing a key ingredient, which makes Klaus and Elijah groan in displeasure and state that they'd rather choke on the ashes until Hayley, the newbie Mikaelson, asks them what the hell they're talking about. "Well, before we light it, we write down our wishes for each other to burn for luck! It was Kol's favorite part when we were kids!" LOL, I totally see Kol as being a huge pyro as a child, do you? I mean, kids like him (read: thrill-seeking, attention-seeking tricksters) are usually obsessed with setting fire to stuff anyway, but since he was the only one who actually practiced witchcraft before he turned, the fact that he could magically conjure fire probably made it so much worse. Anyway, Klaus says that's all the reason they need to ignore it, but Hayley, who is thrilled to have a family for once, says that since it's Hope's first bonfire season, they're totally going to do it before she runs inside for paper and pencils. Yeah, Hayley! You tell them what's up!

Back at the compound in the French Quarter, Marcel has finally tracked Cami down into the back room where they're keeping Finn's locked coffin. Marcel calls her out on ditching him, but Cami reminds him that they have her fake therapist locked in there, so it's a pretty good way to spend her final hours of having control over her body. Marcel clearly feels bad for her and insists she needs to try not to think about it, but Cami is understandably having difficulties with it, since she could literally cease to exist at any moment. She reminds him that the one person who can stop it is ten feet away from them and argues that she needs to talk to him and see if he can help, even if it's a long shot. 

As you can easily guess, Marcel is not game for this plan for obvious reasons, but Cami maintains that it's better than doing nothing. "I said no, Cami," Marcel gruffly maintains, which are the exact wrong words for trying to get Cami to settle down. "Marcel, I am HOURS away from someone taking control of my body. I highly suggest you avoid trying to control me between now and then." That's what I don't understand about this whole body-jumping situation Esther, Finn and Kol have going on-- how is hijacking someone's body and locking their consciousness in a little corner a more moral/ethical way of living than being a vampire? You're still essentially killing someone for your own gain, and at least with vampires, you don't HAVE to kill the person you're feeding on, with the right amount of willpower and control. Esther claims vampirism is a plague/curse/whatever, but she still thinks the people she's possessing are worth less than herself and her family, as she gives no shits what happens to the consciousness of the people she's possessing, nor is she particularly bothered by the threat of Klaus/Elijah/Rebekah killing them to try to kill her. Ugh! Stupid, stupid, stupid Esther and Finn. At least Kol seems to be fine just chilling in the one body without threatening to leapfrog around like the other two.

In Arkansas, Klaus is in the kitchen of the safe house with Hope in his arms, and he is so totally enamored by his little girl that he doesn't notice right away when Hayley returns with a small notebook and pencils with which to write their wishes. When Hayley tells him to get to writing, Klaus is all, "I'm holding a small child, Hayley! This silly wish game will have to wait." Hayley cutely offers to hold Hope while he writes, and Klaus, having been filled in on the Unification Ceremony plan, snarkily reminds her that he's not the husband that she can boss around. Fortunately for Hayley, she has an even bigger zinger that ultimately allows her to win this round. "You DO realize that I had to endure horrendous labor and actual death birthing the child that you're holding?" FUCKING RIGHT! Tell him, Hayley! Klaus just chuckles in defeat and hands Hope over to her before picking up a pencil and writing in the notebook as he narrates aloud. "I wish Hayley would tell Elijah she's marrying her werewolf suitor, at which point I will pour him a scotch and congratulate him on the bullet he dodged." BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am dying laughing, but whatever Klaus, you love the shit out of her and you know it. Anyway, Hayley is not so amused, and she smashes his wish into a ball before tossing it on the floor and swanning away with Hope in tow, leaving Klaus to smirk, quite obviously pleased with his wit.

Cut back to the compound, where Marcel reminds Cami that the only reason why he's even entertaining this idea of hers is because it means so much to her, and he warns her that if Finn tries anything, he'll be quick to intervene. Cami points out that Finn isn't going to talk if he's around, not to mention the fact that Finn's not going to be in any shape to fight after starving to death in that coffin. Marcel, knowing that there's no arguing with her, sighs and opens the coffin door, which causes a very weakened, pale, and still magically-shackled Finn to nearly fall over. Marcel manages to catch him and sets him up in the chair across from Cami before leaving to wait outside the door and eavesdrop on their conversation. Cami sets a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich in front of him, for which Finn thanks her by subtly threatening her. "You're a compassionate woman, Camille. It's your fatal flaw, and it will be your downfall." "Well, THAT got dark fast," Cami replies with an awkward laugh before she urges him to eat, but Finn once again makes it clear that he's not going to be tempted by her beauty or blinded by her empathy, which doesn't really set them off for having any kind of helpful conversation. 

I'll spare you the details of Finn's blathering-- the important part is that 1) he's not going to help her stop Esther from jumping Rebekah into her body, and 2) he doesn't believe in redemption, and since Cami, along with all of his own siblings, still believe that Klaus can be redeemed, they're all idiots in comparison, and 3) he's not going to rest until all the New Orleans vampires are dead, and he refuses to show mercy for anyone who dares to stand on their side, including Cami herself. He holds up the chain connecting his manacles right in front of Cami's throat, as if he were going to strangle her with it, and then sits back down, alarming Cami enough that she rushes out of the room and tells Marcel to lock him back up. Welp, that was pointless, but I don't blame Cami for trying.

In Arkansas, Elijah is out on the porch of the safe house, where he's stacking up firewood. Suddenly, he starts to get flashbacks/visions of his red door dream again. In his visions, Hayley, in her white lace dress, starts rushing toward the red door and pounding on it desperately while a bloody and shirtless Elijah stalks her. Then, Elijah gets a vision of the dream he had while he was in his merlock orchid coma, where his younger self staked and killed his adult self in the woods of Mystic Falls. After a long moment, he's broken out of his visions by Rebekah, who has just joined him on the porch. She hands him a handkerchief, which he uses to wipe up the blood on his hands from squeezing one of the pieces of wood too hard. He shakily thanks her, and she asks him what he sees when he zones out like that. "Things I've done. Images of who I was," Elijah replies, clearly embarrassed about this perceived weakness on his part. "It's a lovely gift from Mother. I can't turn it off. I suppose it's her way of demonstrating I'd be better off taking her deal." 

Rebekah seems shocked that he'd be willing to leave his true body and vampirism behind, but Elijah says it's a chance to start over with a mortal life, with which he can use to have a child of his own, if he wanted. She reminds him of the Mikaelson firstborn curse, but Elijah points out that it technically wouldn't be a Mikaelson if it were through another body. "You see, this is the beauty of Mother, Rebekah-- sometimes even her darkest deeds possess a logic that is difficult to refute." Except they'd all still be under Esther's control-- it wouldn't stop if they took mortal bodies, it would just change into something different. Rebekah agrees with me and points out that it is definitely a lovely fantasy, but Elijah has been thinking about it, particularly what their mother is capable, and suggests that maybe she just needs a victory, and then she'll leave them alone. "Let her find it somewhere else!" Rebekah replies. "Besides, she wants all three of us." Elijah brings up the fact that she already has Finn and Kol, and wonders aloud of perhaps a simple majority would be enough for her to let the remaining children do whatever they want. Rebekah, though, is still not fond of this plan, and for good reason, and continues to look at Elijah like he's lost his marbles.

Back in New Orleans, Davina and Kol are searching through the compound in search of the paragon diamond Klaus stole from him, since we all know the Mikaelsons are packrats and never get rid of anything, lest it come in handy some day. They're in the middle of digging around in some of the dressers in one of the bedrooms when Davina finds a photo of Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, Kol, and Marcel from Christmas 1914. She smiles when she sees it and walks over to him to show him before asking if it's really him. Kol takes a good look at it and retorts, "I was a lot better looking back then," as though his current meatsuit isn't literally an Adonis statue come to life. Davina giggles and snarks, "You wish!" before asking him about Rebekah, since he never talks about her. "Well, there's not much to say, really. She was always their girl. There was one time, though, she did me a solid. Back in Christmas, 1914."

Time for some flashbacks! So the annual Christmas party at the compound is about to begin, and Rebekah, in a very glam red holiday dress, comes into Klaus' bedroom to find Kol, in his original, Nate Buzolic-shaped body, searching through his dressers. "Do you insist on pilfering before cocktails?" Rebekah asks with an amused grin, but Kol insists that since Klaus stole something from him, he's just simply taking it back. Rebekah smiles and says she's "simply" going to tell Klaus, so Kol, desperate not to get caught, decides to go with honesty on this one. "What if I said I'm close to finishing a dagger that would work on him?" Kol asks, even though his two best witches, the ones who are actually experienced in created dark objects, are locked up in the Fauline mansion. 

Rebekah doesn't seem surprised by this revelation though, and states that he'd never dare use it, but Kol doesn't see why he shouldn't, because it's no worse than anything Klaus has done to them. "And YOU'VE suffered at his hands more than anyone!" Kol adds, trying to appeal to her emotions, since he knows there's a part of her that would love to get back at Klaus for everything he's done. "And, it's not like we'd be killing him," Kol continues. "Just giving you some time to be with Marcel!" This hits Rebekah right where she lives, and she realizes that Kol is 100% serious about this. Kol replies that they've both earned the right to live out of Klaus' shadow before asking her if she's with him, and after considering the offer for a moment, she tell him she's in, and then adds that he needs to hurry downstairs and put on one of Klaus' jackets, since he'll notice if he's late and under-dressed for the party. She then scurries away, and Kol smiles happily at having won Rebekah's allegiance.

In the present day, Elijah, Hayley, Klaus, and Hope have returned outside, where Klaus has just lit a match and thrown it into the bonfire, just as Rebekah rushes outside to join them. She holds up a Polaroid camera, which she just found inside, and wonders aloud if it'll still work. Klaus is all, "Oh, bloody hell," but Rebekah is SUPER excited, and asks him if they can all cram in together for a selfie. I love that Rebekah, a thousand-plus-year-old immortal, is hip to the lingo of the day, it's seriously adorable to me. Elijah snarks that Klaus is a virtuoso at cramming his siblings into confined spaces, to which Klaus replies, "Well, I'm just glad I traveled hundreds of miles to visit my mentally-ill brother, only to have him insult me to my face!" Oh, sibling love. Rebekah barks at him to just take the damn picture already, so Klaus sighs and makes his best scowly face as he lifts up the camera to get what is probably the most adorable Mikaelson family photo in the history of ever. 
They watch as the Polaroid develops, and Rebekah laments that they can't always be together like this. Klaus and Elijah both say, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride," before Klaus sighs unhappily and reminds them that they'll have to burn the photo, because they can't risk it falling into the wrong hands. "You want me to make a wish for the family, Rebekah?" he says sadly. "I wish it didn't have to be like this. But, it does." He hands the photo to Hayley, who takes one long last look at the photo before she throws it into the bonfire and watches it melt, much to Rebekah's anger. "No!" she exclaims. "This isn't right! We deserve this. We've earned this!" She looks at Elijah, Hayley, and Klaus, all of whom are upset about this situation, and she suddenly gets an idea. "I won't let it slip away. I know what to do to stop Esther." Elijah, knowing where she's going with this, starts to cut her off, but Rebekah ignores him and plows on. "I'm going to take her deal," she states determinedly. "And, when I do, I'm taking her down with me." SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT. 

After the break, Hayley and Hope are in the rocking chair on the front porch, where Hayley is giving her a bottle and eavesdropping on the Mikaelson siblings having a family argument inside in the living room.
REBEKAH: "It'll work! She will be distracted during the spell. She'll be vulnerable!"
KLAUS: "No. If we kill her, she body-jumps."
REBEKAH: [frustratedly] "Then stop her from jumping!"
KLAUS: [annoyed] "If I knew how to bloody stop her from jumping, don't you think I would have happily murdered her ages ago?"
REBEKAH: "Well, ages ago, you didn't have a Harvest girl or a Mikaelson witch. Kol knows all of her tricks!"
ELIJAH: [sighs deeply] "Now you're both insane."
REBEKAH: [scoffs] "Hardly, Elijah. It was your idea! You're the one who said she needed a win, and if we get this right, then she'll have one."
ELIJAH: [visibly stressed] "And if we get it wrong, you're no longer in your own body!"
REBEKAH: "Would that be the worst thing? You were ready to do it yourself!"
Klaus looks at Elijah, both confused and horrified that Elijah would even consider it, so Elijah reminds her that it was a foolish moment that Rebekah so sagely convinced him not to do. Still, Rebekah points out that if they're lucky, then they'll stop the spell before Rebekah gets jumped into a new body, but Klaus knows why Rebekah is really doing this-- if they're not lucky, then Rebekah gets jumped into a mortal body, which is something she's always wanted. Rebekah says nothing in response to this statement, which confirms Klaus' suspicions. "I mean, that's what you're saying, isn't it?" Klaus adds. "You're willing to lose." Rebekah clarifies that she's willing to risk losing, and Klaus, knowing that they have few other options, brings up the fact that they're going to have to find a new body for Rebekah, someone anonymous who could go off the grid with Hope. 

Ummmm, hold on a fucking minute, here-- I thought the whole point of Hope being with Rebekah is that she's an immortal, thousand-year-old vampire and one of the strongest beings on the planet. If Rebekah's a human, how could she protect Hope from witches, werewolves, and vampires who would try to hurt her to hurt Klaus? Sigh. Anyway, Elijah can't believe that they're even entertaining this idea, and reminds Rebekah that they've been together for centuries, and begins to emphasize that the whole point of mortality is that you can die, EASILY, but Rebekah has a response for that, too. "When I'm old and wrinkly, you can dump me back in my old body," Rebekah says with a roll of her eyes. "Nik already has a coffin he can store me in!" HAHAHAHAHA. So true, so true. Elijah is very hesitant to trust Kol, considering his trickster nature, but Rebekah insists that trust has nothing to do with it, it's all about finding the proper leverage. "She's right," Klaus pipes up. "Kol will do what's best for Kol-- we just have to meet his price." Awwww yiss, Mikaelson family hijinks ahoy! Those are my FAVORITE kind of hijinks, to be honest.

Cut to the compound, where Marcel, who has presumably just talked to Klaus, has just informed Kol about their plan to take down Esther. "I'd be happy to help!" Kol declares enthusiastically, but Marcel knows him well enough to know that he's not going to do it for free, and he can tell by all the snooping around he and Davina have done today that Kol's clearly in need of something. Kol replies that if he wants Kol to find Rebekah a new body so that Cami won't end up being her new meatsuit, he would like the Fauline diamond that he and Klaus stole from him in 1914. Marcel chuckles in amusement and asks him why he wants it, and surprisingly, Kol is completely straight with him about it. "You see, I could fib here, but I want to be on the up about it," Kol says brightly. "I need a weapon I can use to protect himself against Klaus, and the diamond helps me make it." 

Marcel gives him a very suspicious look, and Kol, realizing what Marcel must be thinking after hearing that statement, hastily starts to clarify his intentions. "It's not to kill him! It's simply a matter of self-defense, only to be used out of absolute necessity." Marcel nods in understanding, since I'm sure he's probably wished there was a dagger that worked on Klaus at least once in his life, and considers this request for a moment while Kol makes his closing arguments. "It's a fair trade, Marcel!" he insists. "We get free of my whackadoodle mum, I acquire the means by which to defend myself against a volatile brother, should the need arise... and, uh, if all goes well, perhaps you'll let me near Davina without bodily harm?" He smiles impishly at Marcel, who seems conflicted, but we all know he's going to agree, especially when Kol asks him if he should call Klaus back, or if he wants to do it himself.

It seems they've all agreed to the plan, because we then cut to the backroads of Arkansas, where Klaus and Rebekah are driving back to New Orleans together to put their plan into motion. Rebekah points out that Klaus is clearly insane to give Kol back the diamond, but Klaus just shrugs and reminds her that Kol has been plotting against him for centuries, and has yet to do anything the least bit harmful to him yet, so he's willing to take his chances. When he asks Rebekah if she knows what she needs to do, Rebekah takes a deep breath and assures him that she does before giving him one last request. "But, if it doesn't go to plan, will you handle my body with care, please? I may miss the old model." We all will, girl! Claire Holt is my celebrity crush to end all crushes, to be honest, and while I adore the actress who will be playing Rebekah for the rest of the season, it's just not the same. Anyway, Klaus assures her that he will, and promises that if things go south, he'll be there to pull her out. He then emphasizes the fact that they have to take Esther down BEFORE she body-jumps, because he doesn't want all of this work and risk to have been for nothing. Rebekah smiles at her brother with so much affection before replying, "You and I on the same team? It must be Christmas." MAN, I HAVE MISSED KLEBEKAH SO MUCH. Klaus and Rebekah have always had an almost borderline incestuous relationship, but when they're being nice to each other, it's SO DAMN GOOD.

At the safe house, Elijah is sitting in an armchair by the lit fireplace when Hayley appears in the doorway and informs him that Hope is finally asleep. When Elijah simply looks at her, Hayley hesitates for a moment before bringing up the fact that they never got to say their wishes, and asks him if he'd like to hear hers. Again, Elijah says nothing in favor of looking at Hayley expectantly, which only makes her more anxious. I'm a super nervous chatterbox, but when people don't talk back, I get even more chatty and feel like I have to keep talking to fill up the silence, which I think is what Hayley is experiencing right now. "It's a hope, actually..." Hayley begins. "That you'll understand what I have to tell you." When Elijah finally speaks and asks her what it is, she finally spills the beans on what she and Jackson are planning. "My wolves. I think I figured out a way to release them from the witches." This surprises Elijah so much that he stands to his feet before waiting to hear the details. "They could control their turning without rings, and bring peace to our home so Hope could return to us. But, there's a catch... I have to marry Jackson."

This is clearly not what Elijah was expecting at all, because he is stunned into speechlessness, which causes Hayley to awkwardly babble the rest. "It's, a, um, mystical ceremony, and-and an Alpha bonding ritual...?" Elijah turns away from her and looks toward the window, and Hayley walks closer to him, feeling guilty about what she has to say. "Elijah... I know that you and I haven't been close recently, but... you have to know that this isn't about him. I don't love Jackson. But, at the same time, I couldn't marry him and still be involved with you." Elijah is still speechless, and Hayley is understandably overwhelmed by this whole thing, and ultimately just decides aloud that it's better if she just leaves. However, before she can turn and walk out the door, Elijah rushes after her and grabs her by the arm, spinning her around so he's facing her and kissing her passionately, which Hayley immediately returns in kind. 

After a long moment, Elijah pulls away and says something that Hayley clearly wasn't expecting, either. "Marry him." Hayley, all in a smoochie-daze, is like, "Bwuh?" but Elijah is the noble one, after all, so he gives her his blessing as he brushes a lock of hair off of her face. "Listen to me-- the only way that this city will be safe for Hope's return is if you have unified your people, and I have unified my own. Now, Davina will eventually lead her witches, and whatever that girl may be, she is no enemy to your child. Do what you need to bring your daughter home. That is my wish for you." GOD, ELIJAH. Why must you be so perfect? Hayley is so mesmerized by this kindness that she caresses his face with her hands, which leads them to stare at each other for another long moment before mouth-attacking each other with unprecedented ferocity. 

Elijah picks her up and wraps Hayley's legs around his waist before vamp-speeding across the room so he can brace her back against the wall and pull off Hayley's jacket. Hayley unknots his tie and rips his shirt open, revealing that Elijah/Daniel Gillies TOTALLY has a tattoo on his left shoulder blade that I wish we could see better, while Elijah pulls down the straps of her dress. Finally, he moves them both over to the coffee table, where he slams Hayley down and they start having the sex that should have happened AGES ago. Kathleen and I were talking about Klaus and Elijah, with regards to their attitudes about sex, and we've determined that they're very much like Dean and Sam from Supernatural. With Dean and Klaus, they're all raunchy jokes and obvious flirting, but then when it comes to sex, they're a little rough but mostly just huge cheeseballs. Meanwhile, you see noble Elijah and precious Sam, who are super respectful of women and aren't big into pressuring anyone into anything, but when they do get down, it's not like super-slow and sensual lovemaking, it's actually like super rough and passionate and not at all what you'd expect from them. It's just an interesting observation. Regardless, I'm glad we FINALLY got some non-dream-sequence sexy times for these two, because us Haylijah shippers have been waiting too damn long for it.
Meanwhile, at the compound, Kol has just returned to update Marcel and Davina on their part of Klaus and Rebekah's plan. Kol claims he found a suitable replacement body for Rebekah, one of Marcel's rejected potential vampires named Angelica Barker, who Kol says has "good cheekbones and a tummy you can bounce a tummy off!" Cami comes downstairs to join them in the courtyard and asks if Angelica knows what's about to happen, but Kol insists that it's better for everyone involved if she doesn't, and when Cami seems torn about it, Marcel reminds her that if all goes well, they won't even need to use her. Unfortunately for them, Kol's not done yet. 

"Hopefully. But, then, my mother is a wily and vindictive woman... which is why I've got to ask something else of you." Marcel points out that he's already getting the diamond, which Kol assures him he's thrilled about, but since part of his involvement in this plan involves getting into the lycée-- where his mother is-- to access her hourglass, he's going to need something else to get in without arousing her suspicions. As you can probably guess, it's the white oak stake, which is what Kol was sent to get in the first place, and when he tells them this, both Marcel and Davina are like, "Are you fucking insane?" Kol swears up and down that he'll give it back as soon as Esther's gone, but Marcel ain't buying it, so he snaps that the deal is off. Fortunately for everyone, Klaus shows up just then and gives Kol a hard look before stating, "Kol! Whatever grudges you hold against me, we're doing this for the good of our family. Do I have your word that, for once, you will honor that?" Kol gives him his word, which he swears on the face of all of them, so Klaus sighs and smiles weakly before informing him that he'll get the stake.

Cut to the lycée, where Kol has just showed up and has begun explaining his absence to Esther. "I wooed her, I won her," Kol states gleefully. "It took a while, but in the end, she handed it to me." Esther is examining the stake closely, since, as you recall, she's the one who made it indestructible in the first place, and remarks that when she didn't hear from him, she worried he may be in danger. Kol assures her that it's all good, and that he had to go off the grid a bit so no one would suspect he was a spy. Kol turns the subject to Finn and asks if he's off "playing emperor to his merry pack of dogs," but Esther admits she thinks he may have been captured by Klaus and Elijah while Kol starts curiously touching Esther's hourglass. "But, I've made a plan to assist him with that dilemma while I continue my search for Rebekah," Esther adds. Just then, a shadowy figure appears behind Esther, and Kol smirks when he realizes who it is. "Oh, speak of the devil, and the devil will come!" Kol crows. "Hello, sister." Rebekah smiles and greets Kol, whose smirk she states she could recognize anywhere, before turning to her extremely-shocked mother. "Hello, Mother. I believe you're offering a deal?" she says calmly. AW, HERE WE GO.

The next scenes cut back and forth between the compound and the lycée, so bear with me here. Davina is setting up her own hourglass on the coffee table in the courtyard, complete with its own matching magic circle made of salt, while she and Marcel explain to a nervous Cami what their part of the plan will entail. As it turns out, Kol will be linking Esther's hourglass to the one they have at the compound so that they'll mirror each other and alert Davina as to when she needs to start the spell. When the last grains of sand fall, Esther will try to jump Rebekah into Cami, but Davina will be performing her own spell to redirect the spell from Cami to Esther in order to jam the magical signal so that she can't use any of the magic against anyone in the meantime. Cami isn't convinced that it will work, but Marcel is insistent that it will, because once Rebekah attacks Esther, she won't be able to jump Rebekah into her, or herself into anyone else, for that matter. When Cami asks him if they're sure Kol will play his part, Marcel and Davina both nod in confirmation. "He's on board," Marcel states. "He's a liar and a thief, but-- like Elijah-- he doesn't give his word lightly." Aw, Marcel, was that just a nice thing you said about Kol? How sweet!

Esther is getting ready to pour herself, Kol, and Rebekah some tea while they discuss Esther's offer, but Rebekah just quips, "You can't possibly expect me to discuss giving up eternal life over tea!" before gesturing to the nearby shelf and instructing her to break out the red wine instead. Esther just laughs in amusement and does what she's told as Rebekah asks her to give her the sales pitch. "I only offer what you already want," Esther begins, and when Rebekah asks how she even presumes to know what she wants, Esther breaks down what she knows best about her children. "Elijah's happiest when there's order and music. Klaus, when he's the center of attention and in control. But you are my only child capable of unfettered joy." She hands Rebekah a glass of wine and adds that Rebekah has always been happiest among humans, because she's seen her yearn for mortal life and love during her time on the Other Side and ancestral limbo. When Kol asks her when he's happiest, Esther just smirks and replies, "When you're doing as you're told!" before handing him the tea tray so he can put it away, conveniently taking her eyes off of Rebekah as she does so, which will be important later.

Esther then reminds Rebekah that when it comes to this issue, they are perfectly aligned-- Rebekah wants to be human, while Esther wants to free Rebekah from the curse that is vampirism. "I'd be giving up everything I've ever known for a memory of something I once was," Rebekah replies, since Esther would know something is up if she didn't at least argue a little. "Power for weakness. Strength for frailty. Eternal life for a brief human existence." Esther squeezes Rebekah's arms affectionately and makes her own closing argument-- she can either have another milennia of being miserable without what she wants, or another couple handfuls of years when she does have what she wants. Rebekah looks torn and turns to Kol, who gives her the briefest look to let her know that everything is set, before she finally sighs and agrees. "To the end of an era!" she adds with a rueful smile. Esther, looking thrilled, claps her hands happily before flipping over the hourglass. When she turns back to Rebekah so they can toast their wineglasses, Kol casts a quiet and brief spell on the hourglass while she's not looking. YAY, THE NEWEST MIKAELSON SCHEME HAS COMMENCED. 

At the compound, the hourglass has just began to pour itself out to match Esther's, alerting Davina that it's time for them to watch and wait for the right moment to start their spell. While she and Marcel have their eyes glued to the hourglass, Cami begins pacing anxiously around the room. At Lafayette Cemetery, Esther, Kol, and Rebekah have moved to the altar just outside the lycée, where Genevieve, Monique and Abigail tried to sacrifice Hope in "From A Cradle To A Grave." The hourglass sits on the altar itself, where it's surrounded by the same salt-lined magic circle that Davina created at the compound. Once Esther has finished setting up the spell, fire suddenly bursts into flames in what looks like four metal birdbaths surrounding the altar. Finally, Esther sets the white oak stake next to the hourglass, and Rebekah looks terrified at the sight of it as she asks her what the fuck she's doing with it. "As each of you comes to your senses and takes my offer, I will destroy your vampire bodies," Esther explains. Even Kol is absolutely horrified by this revelation and reminds his mother that she said she wanted the stake to protect them, but Esther replies that she'll be righting two wrongs by doing this-- both bringing the evil of vampires into the world AND subjecting her children to it in the first place.

"No!" Rebekah cries in fright. "That wasn't the deal! Stop the spell!" Esther argues that she can't, because she designed the spell to be locked in as soon as she turned over the hourglass. That explains a lot, actually, because remember when Finn turned over the hourglass in "Every Mother's Son," and when it ran out, Esther's spirit was immediately jumped into Lenore's body from Cassie's? Nice continuity, show! Kol looks anxiously over at Rebekah, who is still terrified by this revelation as the sand continues pouring out of the hourglass. At the compound, Cami, Marcel, and Davina are still anxiously watching their own hourglass, and Marcel, anxious for this to be over, tells Davina to do it now, but Davina insists that it's not time yet.

At the cemetery, Rebekah is still freaking out about Esther's revelation. "Mother, think this through! You gave birth to this body! You can't destroy it!" Esther reminds her that she's only destroying its flesh, and that her "beautiful spirit" will live on in another body. There are only four or five more centimeters of sand left in the hourglass, and Esther continues to argue that she's chosen a perfect vessel for her, one who is beautiful and strong. Just then, Klaus shows up, having likely been eavesdropping this whole time, and yells at Esther to stop the spell as he vamp-speeds over to stand at Rebekah's side. Klaus calls Kol a traitor, but Kol frantically insists that he had NO idea that she was planning to use the stake on their bodies, revealing to Esther that Kol has been on Klaus' side this whole time, and revealing to all of us that Kol is much more afraid of Klaus than he is his mother. "Oh, good," Esther says sarcastically. "I'm glad you two boys are friends again." Klaus once again orders her to stop the spell, but Esther continues to maintain that stopping the spell is impossible. Klaus argues that anything is possible before desperately offering himself up in Rebekah's place despite her protests to the contrary.

"If only you'd taken my offer when it was still mine to give!" Esther exclaims loudly. "Unfortunately, you've left me no choice but to make a deal... with Mikael." And yup, Esther is the worst. Rebekah, Kol, and Klaus all look at her mutinously at the news that she went so far as to arrange an alliance with Mikael of all people, but Esther claims that when Finn and Kol went missing, she needed a new ally, and all Mikael asked in exchange was to have the right to kill Klaus himself. While Klaus considers their current options, Esther makes some snarky comment about how she planned to ask Kol to take the stake to his father, but since his loyalties are compromised, it would be unwise to do so. "STOP THE SPELL, ESTHER!" Klaus bellows, but Esther's not at all dissuaded, and even goes so far as to remind Klaus that she already has a new body for herself waiting in the wings. (I wonder who it would have been, had she been able to jump into it?) Kol, who has been keeping an eye on the hourglass, sees that the last few grains of sand are about to fall and shouts "NOW!" to Klaus, who quickly picks up an athame and vamps toward Esther, stabbing her in the neck with it in the blink of an eye. GO KLAUS! Poor Lenore, though! She didn't deserve that. Anyway, Esther/Lenore fall dead to the ground just as the rest of the sand leaves the hourglass, and Klaus, just like when he killed Mikael the first time, and Ansel just weeks ago, appears to be very conflicted about what he's just done.

At the compound, the last bit of sand is about to fall in their own hourglass, and Marcel yells "Now!" to Davina. Davina starts the spell just as the sand runs out, but Cami's muscles all begin to spasm as though she's having a seizure, and Marcel just manages to vamp over to her and catch her before she falls to the floor. He looks at Cami with concern before turning to Davina, confused as to what is happening to her. Meanwhile, Rebekah, too, has just begun to seize, and Klaus also catches her before she can fall onto the ground. Then, suddenly, the force of Davina's spell redirecting Esther's magic causes the hourglasses at both locations to blow up in a powerful explosion, forcing everyone to dive out of the way to avoid being hit with shattered glass. At the cemetery, Klaus looks at Kol with a horrified expression, and at the compound, Marcel checks on Cami before looking over at the very scared Davina. When Marcel asks her if the spell worked, Davina looks overwhelmed as she anxiously replies, "I have no idea."

After the break, we return to the courtyard, where Cami has been laid in an armchair and Davina is sitting at her side, gently brushing her hair off her face. A moment later, Klaus returns to the compound as well with Rebekah in his arms, and he quickly strides across the room to gently lay her on the couch. Davina forgets how much she hates Klaus and informs him that Cami hasn't awoken yet, either. Before he can respond, Marcel rushes into the room with some more bad news. "When she's up, we gotta get her out of the Quarter. She's not safe here-- someone busted Finn out!" Klaus, who is completely exasperated-- though unsurprised-- by this news, sighs deeply and reveals to them that Esther has hired Mikael to do her dirty work. Suddenly, Cami awakens with a gasp, and everyone runs over to check on her. 

Klaus looks at her in concern and whispers, "...Camille?" as Cami looks around in confusion. When she realizes the spell worked, she sighs in relief and replies, "I suddenly LOVE that stupid name!" Oh, Cami, I love YOU! Davina is so happy that the spell worked that she throws her arms around her in a tight hug. Marcel and Klaus turn their attention to Rebekah and wait anxiously for her to wake up; once a few moments pass and she has yet to awaken, Klaus sighs again, this time in frustration and anger. "I couldn't stop the spell," Klaus laments sadly before getting to his feet and walking to the door. Marcel, frustrated and overwhelmed, shouts after him, "PLEASE tell me that your mother's dead!" Klaus stops just long enough to inform him that he and Rebekah took extra precautions and to assure him that Esther is right where she needs to be before he takes off for good, leaving an exasperated Marcel behind.

Kol and Davina are walking around the French Quarter to celebrate the successful casting of their respective spells, and just so happen to be passing the Fauline mansion. When Davina asks him why he's in such a good mood, Kol stops walking and tells her the rest of the story. "Remember how I said Rebekah had done me a solid in 1914? Swore she hadn't told Klaus that I was taking the diamond back? I was actually being a bit facetious."

We cut to a flashback to the Mikaelson family Christmas party in 1914, where everyone is dressed in glamorous early 20th century finery and drinking up a storm. Rebekah is in the middle of mingling with some guests when she notices a vaguely-familiar-looking blonde girl standing alone and recognizes her as Kol's date to the party. She quickly walks over to her and begins, "You're here with my brother. A word of advice? A witch as lovely as you has no business dating Kol." The girl insists that it's not a date, but Rebekah maintains that she can do much better before swanning away. She walks up the stairs, where Klaus, Elijah, Kol, and Marcel are all drinking champagne and posing for a family photograph. Kol sees the blonde witch and raises his glass to her, and she smiles and does the same in return. I apologize in advance if you are reading this and haven't seen the episodes that follow this one, but I feel compelled to tell you that the blonde witch with Kol is FREYA FUCKING MIKAELSON, also known as THEIR OLDEST SISTER WHO WAS GIVEN AWAY TO DAHLIA A THOUSAND YEARS AGO. Which begs the question-- did Kol know who she really was? I really need to know, and I'm afraid we never will, since they never addressed it. 

Anyway, once the photo has been taken, Klaus taps on his glass to get the party's attention to propose a toast. "As you know, when the Mikaelsons arrived in Louisiana, we brought with us the tradition of holiday bonfire season. Now, we invite you chosen few to join us in our family's own tradition of writing wishes for each other and burning them for luck. The holidays are a time for celebrating family and friends." He looks up at Marcel and smiles before looking past him at Kol, and Kol begins to look nervous and suspicious. "It is especially gratifying in times when treachery runs deep," Klaus continues. "To know you have someone you can trust. A toast to you, my sister." Rebekah smiles up at Klaus, and he smiles warmly back at her as the party toasts in her honor. Kol, now convinced that he's absolutely and totally screwed, starts to run up the stairs and away from his brothers, but he's quickly blocked by Elijah, who has vamp-sped after him. Kol quickly turns around to run in the opposite direction, but this time he's blocked in by Klaus. Just like in "Alive & Kicking," Elijah grabs Kol by the arms and pulls off his jacket before pinning his arms behind him, and Klaus quickly turns to address the crowd below. "Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the disturbance! But, what
s a Mikaelson party without a little family squabble?" Klaus pulls a silver, white-oak-ash dagger out of his pocket and stabs Kol in the heart with it. All the while, Rebekah is just smirking adorably and sipping her champagne from the stairs.

In the present, Kol smiles and admits that he finally got to repay Rebekah for the stunt she pulled a century ago, but Davina, who actually likes Rebekah, feels conflicted. Kol totally notices her apprehension though and assures her that Rebekah is totally fine, because he's not about to seriously harm his own sister. However, he didn't exactly prepare Angelica Barker to be her new vessel, either, which doesn't do much to reassure Davina. When she asks him who he prepped instead, he doesn't exactly give her a straight answer. "Oh, it's a bit of a story," he begins. "You see, Klaus didn't just punish me for stealing the diamond. He also punished my witch friends-- locking them in Dowager Fauline cottage. Oh, over the decades, it's become quite a catch-all for an assortment of odd birds of the witchy variety. I'm sure Rebekah will be very comfortable in a prison created by Klaus." Much like me and anyone else who loves Rebekah, Davina looks horrified and gasps, "You DIDN'T," but Kol just smugly replies that he did. He then pulls the large paragon diamond out of his pocket to show Davina and points out that since Rebekah is missing, Klaus will be too distracted by looking for her to pay attention to them while they finish the dagger.

Now, Davina may like and be friends with Rebekah, but her hatred and thirst for vengeance when it comes to Klaus is way stronger, so she considers this information for a moment before asking Kol one last time if he swears Rebekah is truly safe. "Perfectly," Kol replies with a nod. "Since this is the best day I've had in the past two centuries, I've made a wish for you." He caresses Davina's face with his hand, and Davina looks so happy to be with him that when he tells her to close her eyes, she does it without question. Then, Kol bends down (because he's literally a foot taller than Davina is at least, which is super adorable to me) and kisses her on the lips for the first time since they've met. He pulls away quickly, but Davina is like, "UH, OH NO YOU DON'T" and wraps her arms around him, pulling him closer and making out with him passionately in front of the Fauline mansion. Oh, these crazy kids! I still can't believe we got Haylijah sex AND Kolvina smoochies, all in one episode. It MUST be Christmas!

In town, Klaus has returned to Lafayette Cemetery and heads straight for the Delphine tomb, a tomb whose interior walls are completely made up of human skulls. He apparently put Lenore/Esther's body here after he killed her, because she's laying in the middle of the floor. Once he makes his way to her, she awakens with a gasp on the floor and opens her eyes just in time to see him tossing a blood bag on the floor next to her. OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT, ESTHER IS A VAMPIRE! I never knew how much I wanted this until this episode aired, but YES! Sweet, karmic revenge. Anyway, Esther looks horrified as she realizes that whoops, she's still in Lenore's body, even though she meant to jump into another. When she asks him what he's done, Klaus literally cackles at her before he responds. "You-- who sold me to that butcher Mikael like I were nothing more than chattel-- ask me what I have done?" Esther sits up, and her hands are visibly shaking as Klaus walks toward her. "I've done what every good son does, Mother!" he says pleasantly. "I've followed the example of my parents. You taught me EXACTLY how I should treat you." Esther is about to have a panic attack, and I still don't think she fully understands what is happening to her, so Klaus decides to kindly inform her of the changes currently happening as they speak.

"You must be feeling a little twitchy right about now," Klaus continues smugly. "It's what happens when you're in transition." Esther anxiously licks her lips and finally notices the blood bag laying on the floor next to her and gasps, "No!" She claims its not possible, but Klaus assures her that it is. "You see, you might have thought you were one step ahead of us, but the truth is, Rebekah was two ahead of you!" So, remember earlier, when Esther, Kol, and Rebekah were hanging out and drinking wine, and Esther sent Kol to put away the tea set? Well, while her back was turned, Rebekah bit into the tip of her thumb and bled her vampire blood in Esther's wine, which Esther then drank like two minutes later. REBEKAH SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR RED WINE TO DO THIS BECAUSE SHE'S A GENIUS. When we return from the flashback to the present, Klaus explains that she died with vampire blood in her system, which is delicious irony, considering one cannot be both a witch AND a vampire (unless you're a Siphoner witch, but that's another story for another recap). Esther, overwhelmed and horrified, chokes back a sob, and Klaus tells her that she can either be a hypocrite and become what she hates most, or she can die, and he reminds her that he's being generous, since she's actually getting a choice in this, whereas he and his siblings did not. Before Esther can say anything in response, Klaus walks away, leaving her trapped in the tomb. DAMN! That is so cold, but so amazing, and I can't say she hasn't totally had it coming, because she has. 

Back at the compound, Rebekah's body has been placed in her coffin, which is laying in the room behind the ballroom, and Klaus and Marcel look at her sadly. After a moment, Kol, who has just returned from his hot make-out-sesh with Davina, joins them in the room to fulfill his end of the bargain and return the white oak stake to Klaus. "A promise is a promise," Kol adds quietly, and Klaus is so impressed that Kol didn't actually fuck him over (that he knows of) that he smiles at him.

Meanwhile, a young, beautiful, medium-skinned woman with gorgeous curly hair awakens with a gasp in a bed in the Fauline mansion. When she doesn't recognize her surroundings, she jumps to her feet and rushes over to a nearby mirror, where she gets a glimpse of her reflection and promptly starts to freak the fuck out. She runs down the steps and toward the front door of the house, but she can't open it, since it's spelled shut, and as soon as you hear her British accent, it becomes clear just who it is that we're looking at, here. "Let me out!" she screams, as she throws her body against the door futilely. "Kol, damnit! I'm not meant to be here!" the girl cries, when she starts to hear hysterical laughter behind her. "I'm Rebekah Mikaelson!" Rebekah screams. "I'm Rebekah Mikaelson! Let me out! I'm Rebekah Mikaelson!" Oh, shit, this is going to be SUCH a mess! On the plus side, they picked a perfect actress to replace Rebekah, because she's got the demeanor down PAT.

Next episode: The newly-freed Finn is on the warpath, and intends to create enough chaos to force the werewolves and vampires to kill each other for him by trapping everyone in the Mikaelson compound. 

NOTES/COMMENTS:
-Here's the music from this episode!

--- Hayley forces Klaus to write down his wishes for the bonfire.

--- Klaus snaps a selfie of the Mikaelson clan, but then tells Hayley and the others that they need to burn the photo for Hope's safety.

--- In flashback, Kol suggests to Rebekah that she help him in his plan to create the dagger that will work on Klaus.

--- Hayley feeds Hope a bottle on the porch of the safe house while Rebekah, Elijah, and Klaus scheme inside.

--- Hayley tells Elijah her hope for him. He tells her to marry Jackson, and they make love on the coffee table.

--- In flashback, Rebekah warns Kol's date/Freya that she can do better than Kol.

--- Klaus informs Esther that she's in transition to become a vampire and gives her a choice as to whether she lives as a vampire or dies.

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