Suits Season 3, Episode 1: "The Arrangement " Recap/Review

So heyyyy, I realize that today is actually Tuesday, and not actually last Thursday or Friday like I said this would be finished, but real life is so annoying sometimes, you know? You have to do things that you don't want to do, so you put off doing them until the last minute, and then as soon as you've finished catching up on everything, you just want to chill out and relax, so even stuff that you enjoy doing (like writing recaps of tv shows you love) gets put on the back-burner while you recharge. To get to the point, I have basically been swamped with bullshit to do all week, and then I was invited to spend the weekend with a good friend in Cleveland, where I didn't have reliable access to internet. This was good in the way that it led to a much-needed catch-up fiesta, but bad in the way that made finishing this recap impossible. Recaps, especially my word-vomity ones, take FOREVER to write. And then the editing and adding caps takes just as long. And that's why this recap is so late. Forgive me? This week should go much better.

ANYWAY. So, Suits is back! Yay! I have missed that dapper Harvey Specter, his amazing right-hand lady Donna Paulsen, the fierce Jessica Pearson and, of course, the supreme, but lovable dumbass Mike Ross. More importantly, I have missed the fabulous suits and dresses and even more fabulous scheming. And most importantly, I am excited to restart the rollercoaster that is my love-hate relationship with Louis Litt. Here goes:

Previously, on Suits: Harvey made a deal with Darby--if Harvey wins an important case, they won't merge; however, Darby made the same deal with Jessica--if Harvey loses, he has to stay at Pearson Hardman, extend his non-compete agreement, and work to earn his own name on the door, since there's no other way he'll be able to get it. Louis and his British counterpart made a deal to keep each other off of each other's redundancy plans or something equally boring and tedious, but Louis totally reneged on it under the (incorrect) assumption that British Louis would too, which I'm SURE won't have any negative consequences. Jessica more or less blackmailed Mike into withholding information from Harvey about the important case (by threatening to out him to the DA, of course); so, when Harvey found out about Mike & Jessica's schemes, it pissed him off so royally that he actually fired Mike.

Luckily for Mike, Jessica refused allow Harvey to fire him, which left Mike still technically employed, but totally on Harvey's shit-list, which is a bad place to be, my friend. Scottie was hurt that Harvey sold her out, but Harvey convinced Darby to hire her back to make up for it. Darby allowed Harvey to choose whether Scottie would work at the NYC branch of the firm, or the London office. Jessica reiterated to Harvey that since he lost his bet, he now must "stay here, be humbled, and learn [his] goddamn place." Finally, Mike confessed to Rachel that he's totally a fraud, who has not only not gone to Harvard Law School, but actually hasn't gone to college at all, much less take the bar, which earns him first a slap in the face, followed by sexy-times in the filing room. Now that we're all refreshed on what happened, let's get to it.

We begin with some snazzy music and the sights of the Manhattan skyline. We pan over Mike's apartment, where he's sleeping on the couch; over at Pearson Hardman, all the higher-ups are meeting, even though it's really dark outside, so it must be pretty late. If this show has taught me anything, though, it's that A-list lawyers work like, 36 hours a day, so I guess a night-time meeting isn't that crazy. Among those at the meeting are Darby and Jessica, who are talking to each other quietly, and Louis, who slips into the meeting with a smug-as-hell smirk on his face.

Meanwhile, Mike waltzes into Harvey's office, dressed in a suit, and tells Harvey he got his message--what's going on? Harvey explains that they're having a partners meeting. "Essential personnel only." Mike shares my confusion at the night-time meeting, but Harvey just mocks him for being afraid of the dark. Mike snarks right back, "I wouldn't be, if I had my Cookie-Monster with me." Hee! Harvey exposits some more about how "we're" finalizing the terms of the merger, and Mike is shocked that he's included in the "we," asking if he's a partner now. Harvey's like, "Hell the fuck no," but does concede that because Mike helped make the merger happen, he deserves to be there at the meeting. 

Mike starts to get kind of suspicious, and asks if he talked to and/or forgave Jessica. "She won, I lost. There's nothing to forgive." Mike's like, "and me...?" Harvey states that Mike did what he had to do. Harv seems to be pretty forgiving of Mike now, but just wait 'til he learns that Mike spilled the beans to Rachel! That'll be brutal. Mike breathes a sigh of relief and lets his guard down, and confesses that he really needed to hear that. As we hear applause from the other room, Harvey holds out his right hand, and Mike shakes it.

In the board room, Jessica and Darby (whose first name I forget) address the partners, and discuss the new Darby Pearson, which is "stronger, better connected, and based on a connection that is..." "--full of shit," Rachel Zane adds helpfully, as she strides purposefully into the meeting. Harvey is like, WTF? so Mike has to confess that Rachel knows about his little secret. Everyone looks scandalized. "Mike Ross is a fraud, and I'm not going to let him get away with this," Rachel continues angrily. Mike pleads with her to cut it out, but she's not going to be talked down; she explains that he did this to himself, and he's slammed down onto the table by police officers who have just appeared out of thin air, apparently.

Thankfully for us, this was all a dream that Mike was having, and he wakes up on his couch with a start, gasping for breath. I hoped that was the case, it's still way too early for his lack of college and law school education to get him fired and thrown in jail.

All this time that Mike was dreaming, Harvey has still been in his office, where it's still super late. Donna struts in and asks him how long he's going to stare at the offer. Harvey: "Until one of us blinks." She reminds him that Darren, whoever that is, signed it and said it was great, but Harvey doesn't want great; he wants to know "who its' Daddy is." Donna just kind of stands there and blinks at him, so he finally asks her what she wants. It's midnight, and Darby needs an answer. Wait, since when does Mike go to bed before midnight? Shouldn't he still be working, like always? Never mind. 

Harvey tells Donna to inform him that he's decided to send "her" (ie: Scottie) to London, and Donna just sighs, giving him that look, like, "LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES." But, instead of saying that, which we all know Harvey needs to hear, she just asks if he wants to talk about it. Uhh, do you know Harvey at all, Donna? Of course he doesn't. As predicted, he gets up and puts on his jacket, and asks her to have Ray (his driver, in case you forgot) to meet him downstairs. She asks where he wants to go. "Brooklyn," he responds in a tight voice.

Harvey swans into an office of the manager/owner of the Nets, whose name or I don't think we ever learn. "I did not expect the great Harvey Specter to come all the way to Brooklyn just to drop off a contract." Harvey didn't though-- he came for the hot dogs. The owner dude is very defiant, and says that he was clear that this was their final offer, but those words don't exist in Harvey Spector's world. He explains that it's "the end of the third quarter" and if he wants Darren Williams to play for him, he'll want to call this number. The guy calls his bluff, and reminds him that even if he does have another offer, he can't leave in the middle of a game, and walks away from him. Harvey gets to the point: does he want a ring, or not? The guy still isn't biting, though, and repeats that Harvey is bluffing and doesn't have a deal.

Harvey's like, "Oh, well I guess I'm going to have to go bring Darren his new Mav's jersey, then." Dude calls his bluff again, and says that Mark Cuban would never pay that much for Darren Williams, and the two bicker about whether or not Mark Cuban hates the Nets owner. As it turns out, Harvey found out about "that thing [he] did last May" and told Mark Cuban about it, and now Mark Cuban hates the guy. Dude's face goes white just at the news of this development, and Harvey rubs it in; "You have until ten AM, then I'm calling Dallas...and Mark? He may not take your call, but he'll sure as hell take mine." Harvey goes to leave, and Nets Dude asks how he doesn't know that he won't turn around and get him to pay more, but Harvey agrees that he doesn't know; if he doesn't match it, though, he'll never find out.

Harvey returns to his apartment, which is lovely in that white, chrome and glass aesthetic that makes everything seem both modern and antiseptic. Anyway, Jessica is sitting at his bar, drinking vodka and looking through a magazine as Harvey greets her. Jessica mentions she doesn't remember asking him to hustle a contract behind Darren Williams' back, but Harvey assures her that his back is just fine, thanks. She mentions she has the signed contract in her hands, and is floored when he tells her that he asked for triple the original amount. She asks if he's crazy, as if she doesn't already know that answer, but he argues that they have leverage. She disagrees, because bluffing isn't leverage, but we all know Harvey; he's of the belief that as long as the person believes it's all true, that's all that matters. She's worried about the consequences of him finding out that they're bluffing; namely, firing the firm and taking a dozen players with them when they leave, but Harvey just smiles and shrugs.

The argument turns to bluffing in general, of which Jessica isn't really fond anymore. But again, that's what Harvey does for a living; when it works, it works really well, but when it fails, it's a bloodbath. Jessica levels with him: she thinks that he wants to fail, since he's at a newly merged firm that he doesn't agree with and stuck in a non-compete that he hates, and wants Jessica to fire him. He tells her that he's staying, and reminds her that he hasn't changed--he's always been this kind of a player, and it's not only why she hired him, but it is why she values him. He shows her a text he got from the Nets Dude, who caved and took the deal. This leaves Jessica with that face she gets a lot when Harvey pulls this shit; annoyed and frustrated as hell, but also the teeniest bit impressed and proud. It's hard to love Harvey Specter, that's for damn sure, but it's also hard not to, at the same time.

Rachel, who has just been awakened by a knock on her apartment door, pads over in her PJs to look out the peephole. She frowns when she sees it's Mike, and opens the door. "I told you, I need time," she spits, but he doesn't care because his nightmare scared the shit out of him, and thus his problems totally trump hers. She opens the door, allows him to come in, and sasses him a bit. When he looks at her bed, she's like "Don't go there, muchacho." He goes in on a spiel about how he hasn't been able to think about anything but their hot sexy times in the filing room, which starts our girlfriend off on her own rant. She reminds him, loudly, that he lied to her about EVERYTHING, and that she already told him--twice now, at least-- that she needs time and space to process the major truth bomb he dropped on her.

He cuts her off, though, because again, Mike's problems > everyone else's problems, and explains that he had a nightmare, which is why he's here. He goes on to describe the nightmare, specificaly, how she outed him in front of the entire firm. "I would never do that," she responds defensively, but Mike knows that. Apparently, when he woke up, he realized that the real nightmare Rachel not wanting to be with him, not being exposed as a fraud. She's skeptical that he's actually being honest with her, since he's literally made a career out of being a liar, but he assures her he's felt this way since the first time they ever met, when she was assigned to give him orientation on his first day at Pearson Hardman and they sassed the hell out of each other. He admits that he knows he's not who she wants him to be, but that it's obvious from what happened between them that they have a connection, blah blah blah. He doesn't want to lose what they have, but she wishes that he never would have told her, because secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. BUT, he brings up the fact that if he hadn't, they wouldn't have finally sexed it up, which they both agree was a good thing for both parties. She brings up his secret, and asks what happens if he gets caught. "Because, what you had may have been a nightmare, but you can't tell me you're not afraid of being exposed." She has a solution for him: quit his job. TITLE CARD! Jesus, we're ten minutes in and I've already written like a million words. Lets see if I can speed this up a bit.

Mike walks into the office in slow-mo to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's, and it's part reality, part flashbacks to his nightmare. WHAT IS REAL? Mike sees Harvey and Donna talking, and they both give him the side-eye. Yeah, he's still in the doghouse.

Mike eventually heads into Jessica's office and confesses that he wants to talk. She says they should talk somewhere more private, and as they walk, she reminds him of his recent victories: bluffing Hardman into backing down, aiding in the merger, dealing with the Folsom Foods debacle. They ultimately end up in a new office. Specifically, Mike's new office. He's speechless, for several reasons; he's excited and grateful for being able to have a new office of his own, having spent so much time working in the bull pen with the other associates, but he also feels guilty because he doesn't think he has earned it or deserves it, because he got it by stabbing Harvey in the back, an an action about which you can tell he's still pretty ashamed.

Jessica is like, "We're lawyers, baby, that's how we roll," and goes on to tell him a story about how her parents separated when she was sixteen. Because of this, her parents bought her a car when she turned sixteen, so she could help take her sister to school and whatnot, and since the car came with all that added responsibility, she hated it. However, that car ultimately got her to Harvard five years later, which was a monumental accomplishment for her. She tells him he can take this office as a reminder of what he did to Harvey, or as a symbol of what he can accomplish here at the firm with hard work. Her dress in this scene is fabulous, by the way: it's gray and the top folds over all the way to her waist, exposing her shoulders. Very hot, Jessica! I want it, even though I have nowhere to wear a dress that nice, nor the hundreds/thousands of dollars that dress probably costs. Before she leaves, he asks her if her parents ever got back together. "Nope, they didn't." Jessica struts away, her hips swishing, as she passes maintenance men affixing the new name of the firm on the wall; "Pearson Darby." She smiles. Hmmm...

Louis is in his office, and he's writing so hard that his pen snaps, causing ink to splatter everywhere. He jumps to his feet and swears, just as Donna walks in and looks at him, like, "Really?" He goes on, explaining all that is wrong with the merger; firstly, his vote has much less weight now that there are triple the number of seniors partners, and secondly, the new quartermaster has a bone to pick with him and has traded in his prized Uniball pens for an inferior brand. Donna is, like, "Stop saying Uniballs. Also, why don't you buy your own anyway?" However, Louis holds two things very dear to his heart, his Uniballs, and his raspberry bran bars. He then name checks the new quartermaster, Barbara L. Tottingham, and proclaims that the aforementioned quartermaster is starting a very personal war with him by denying him his sacred possessions. Donna, who was sick of this conversation from the very start, gets a little mild amusement from tricking Louis into smudging ink on his upper lip like a Hitler mustache and showing her his rotator cuff exercises, which look like the Nazi salute. You gotta get your laughs somewhere, you know? And Donna is not one to waste an opportunity.

In the library, Jessica approaches Darby (whose first name is Edward, by the by, although I'll probably forget it again) and thanks him for the new sign, graciously explaining to him that he didn't have to do that, since the contract stated it would be named "Darby Pearson." He reminds her that the merger agreement also stipulated that it would be a 51%/49% structure, and doesn't even try to pretend to disagree when Jessica correctly presumes that the name change was a gesture to help make the merger feel more equal. Jessica, out of nowhere, curiously asks him how he would propose to a woman, and his reaction ("A woman?") as well as Jessica's vague remark that she knows him, seems to suggest that he's gay, though no one ever comes right out and says it. She changes the subject to the weather and points out that it's a lovely day, which gives Darby a lead-in to bring up their current situation with Hessington Oil. Apparently, they've decided to go after Eva Hessington personally ("they" being the US government, of course.)

Darby wants Harvey to handle her case, but Jessica is not a fan of this plan; she points out that Harvey is "still digesting the merger," and, as a result, is still acting out because of it. Darby knows all about that, but is also impressed that he got triple the original amount of money from the Darren Williams contract. Jessica agrees that while it ultimately worked out in their favor, she makes it clear that she isn't cool with the risk he took to get it, but Darby maintains that it's the same kind of risk they're going to have to take with this Hessington case. He mentions that this specific case isn't just about money-- it's personal for him, although he's not telling us why that is quite yet. Jessica tests the waters by mildly asking what would happen if she said no, and, as expected, she's told that it doesn't matter, because it's happening whether or not she agrees to it. She quickly realizes that the name thing was less a gesture of equality and more a consolation prize to soften the blow of not being the one in charge anymore, an assumption which Darby does not dispute when she points it out. Darby's a pretty sheisty guy, do you think he'll be better or worse than Hardman?

Harvey returns to his office to find Jessica sitting on his desk, so he snarks that if they keep meeting up like this, people will start to wonder about them. She gets to the point, and claims she wants to bury the hatchet. She spins a fabulous lie, by explaining that Darby found out about his little bluff with the Nets and was pissed, and thought, like she did, that he was trying to get fired on purpose. She then makes herself out to be the good guy, going on to say that she assured Darby that she believed Harvey when he said that he wanted to stay at the firm, and that she fought for Harvey to be lead on the Eva Hessington case. Ooooh, Jessica, you're playing with fire! I have no idea how she thought she would be able to get away with it, tbh.

Harvey's like, "And, I should care WHY?" She urges him to join her in moving on from all of this drama and fighting between them, and asks him if they're good. He doesn't answer, but he does ask if she's going to tell him to win the case. She kindly replies that she doesn't have to tell him, though, of course, that doesn't stop her from adding, "Harvey? You better win this goddamn case," as she walks out the door.

Rachel finds herself in Mike's new office, where he's sitting at his new desk, doing some work. This is pretty much the opposite of quitting the firm, like he said he would do last night. She sees that he's hung his fake Harvard diploma on his wall, and even makes a crack about for all she knows, that diploma was printed off at Kinkos. Basically, she's fuming; not only did he not quit, like she urged him to, but she's also jealous, because try as she might, she can't even get into Harvard after all her hard work. Mike is a fake lawyer with no college experience who got his own office by lying, so she believes he has magically achieved everything she's ever wanted without having to put in any of the work. Mike is getting pissed, now, too, and reminds her that she has no idea what he has done to get to where he is now; she argues that that's the problem-- she doesn't even know who he really is, because he's never told her, because he's living a lie, blah blah blah. Hey Mike, remember when Harvey didn't want you to date Rachel because you'd inevitably would spill your guilty little guts to her about EVERYTHING? This is why, and Harvey doesn't even know the half of her Harvard Law inferiority complex, which just makes the threat even worse.

Later, Mike's in his office, with a letter of resignation in his hands. After a moment or two of staring at it, he looks up to see Harvey pass his office and barely even spare a glance for his former protegee. Saddened by just how badly he's fucked up, he signs it.

Darby is in the middle of doing a crossword puzzle in his office when Harvey comes in to see him. After a little sassing about Darby's lack of actual work to do, Harv points out that he knows exactly what happened: Darby demanded that Harvey be on the Hessington case, but allowed Jessica to play the good guy as to not undermine her role in the chain of command. Darby's hilariously like, "What an awesome conspiracy theory," so Harvey decides to go for some reverse psychology by insisting that his plate is full, and advising him to choose someone else to handle it. When Darby finally caves and asks what he wants, Harvey is like, "If I win, tear up my non-compete and fire me." He then explains that, basically, he's pissed, because he honored his part of their bargain, and Jessica not only accused him of wanting to get fired on purpose, but then proceeded to lie to him about fighting for him to get him to take the case. Darby confesses that she really was trying to make up with him, but Harvey thinks it was a pretty shitty way for her to show it. Darby agrees that they have a deal, though he can't help but chuckle aloud about just how stupid both of them are being: Jessica, for going through all of this bullshit because she thought that Harvey was trying to get fired, which ultimately caused him to WANT to be fired; and Harvey, for being such a petulant toddler who is acting out because he didn't get what he wanted.

Mike is going to the copier to make a copy of his letter of resignation, and an unusually polite Louis offers to do it for him after they do the whole "You go first! No, you go first!" thing; when he sees the letter, he's confused and kind of sad as he asks Mike why he's leaving. Mike can't really go into specifics, for obvious reasons, so he just kind of vaguely explains that he's on Harvey's shit-list now, so it's just not worth it to be here when Harvey hates his guts.

Louis starts reminiscing about his time in the bull-pen with Harvey when they were associates, and describes Harvey as being like Superman; but one time, Louis wanted to help him with a difficult case so that they could at least tolerate each other, if not become friends. It's not difficult to guess that Harvey rejected his help, which Louis confirms he did. Louis adds that Harvey isn't Superman anymore, he's Batman, which Mike assumes he means that he's alone and never wants anyone's help. What Louis actually meant, though, was that Mike was his Robin, and that he needs to remind Harvey why he values him so much--he helps Harvey win. He suggests that he break into Harvey's hard drive and find out what cases he's working right now. Mike remembers that IT guy, Benjamin, who Mike swindled into trading a laptop in the first season.

So, Mike goes down to IT, which does not please Benjamin one bit. He snarks about how he's been monitoring his computer activity for the last ten months, just so he can catch Mike doing something worthy of getting fired. Of course, Mike is one step ahead of him, taking a leaf out of Louis' book and recording Ben confessing to spying on his computer activity on a hidden Dictophone, which would get Ben fired. Classic. The blood drains from good old Benjamin's face, and Mike's like "So, now you're going to tell me everything I want to know until the end of time."

Harvey is poring over files regarding the Hessington Oil case, trying to find information he can that can help him win. Donna suggests that he enlist some help, but Harvey is way too proud of a guy to go knocking on Mike's door for help. Luckily for him, that isn't who Donna had in mind; Scottie, however, is. Harvey is like, "Um, yeah, I kind of burned that bridge too," but Donna just hands him a airplane boarding pass with a small smile.

At the airport, Harvey meets up with a pissed-looking Scottie in the waiting area. He tries to charm her into cheering up a bit, by showing her the first-class ticket to Trinidad & Tobago that he bought just to get through security to see her, but she's still cold towards him. He finally gets to the point, and tells her he needs her help. Obviously, she's not willing to help, even when he points out that while he did accidentally get her fired, he also got her re-hired, and now they work at the same firm.

When this does nothing to endear him to her, he brings out the big guns, and begins to reminisce about when he first saw her (which was not the first time he met her, as he points out): she was gorgeous, like she still is, but then he met her two weeks later at some law school thing. The professor asked her to answer a question, and when she answered, he realized that her beauty was only her second-best attribute to her intelligence and brains. This hits her where her heart lives, and she calls him a dick before adding that she'll spill the beans on the client if he buys her a drink and gives her his plane ticket. It's a deal, obviously.

Louis is walking to the break room, barking orders on his cell phone at Norma, his still-yet-unseen secretary, and berating her for not being able to procure him some damn Uniballs. When he enters the room, there's a woman standing there and for a second they try to trick us into believing that it's actually Norma, but you can't fool me, show! Nice try, though.

He goes to the cabinets to look for his much-adored raspberry bran bars, but the cupboards are empty! Oh no! Turning around, Louis sees none-other than his nemesis, British Louis, whose name is actually Nigel. (Of course it is.) Nigel informs him that he is in fact Barbara L. Tottingham, and they go through this whole spiel about how Louis should have known this the entire time: her initials are BLT, which is a sandwich, which leads to Monte Cristo, another sandwich, which then, of course, leads to the Count of Monte Cristo, from whom Nigel took inspiration when he took the role of quartermaster. Their brains are a very strange, and frankly, scary, place to be, to be honest.

Louis beats up himself for missing something so obvious, so Nigel continues to relish the drama as he regales Louis with a story from his time "in the wilderness," which was three whole days and nights; he figured out all the things that Louis holds dear, and has effectively banned them from Pearson Darby, so Louis couldn't even have Uniballs or bran bars if he deigned to buy them himself, which he wouldn't anyway, because Nigel knows he's too proud. JFC, one Louis Litt is more than enough for the world, do we really need two? Anyway, Nigel rubs salt into Louis' emotional wounds by eating the last raspberry bran bar in front of him. Oh, it's on!

Louis runs straight to Donna and informs her of everything that just happened. Donna has no idea of which he speaks, and gives no fucks either way, so her response? "Oh, my God, I'm so hungry." I love you, Donna Paulsen. Louis decides that he needs to deal with Nigel ASAP, because banning Uniballs and bran bars is a slippery slope to banning everything else that Louis holds dear, like tennis and ballet and that one café where he stalked that one woman with whom Hardman had an affair forever ago. Also, apparently Louis' high school experience was exactly the same as Larry Lester from The Breakfast Club, which, come on now. Does that really surprise anyone?

Meanwhile, Harvey is meeting with Eva Hessington (played by Michelle Fairley, AKA Catelyn Stark from Game of Thrones), and convincing her as to why she should hire him. Like every other client Harvey has ever had, this speech involves him reminding her of all of her past shadiness and law-breaking; skirting environmental regulations, bribery, etc. She fights right back by bringing up Harvey's own dirty laundry (his time at the DA office, covering up evidence, etc), but Harvey's cool with it, because it saves him from having to explain why he'll be the most willing to do whatever it takes to win. Touche. In turn, Eva confesses that she's totally guilty of bribery, but her defense is that she didn't do anything that any other oil executive doesn't do to stay in business. At this confession, Harvey smiles and tells her they're done, because he's just figured out his next move. When she asks what it is, he informs her he'll let her know and goes to take his leave. She reminds him that she hasn't officially hired him yet. "Yes, you have," Harvey says with a smile, and walks out the door.

Harvey returns to the firm, where he finds Mike waiting for him. He starts spouting all the dirt he dug up on Eva Hessington, but Harvey is all, "Old news, asswipe," and lies that he asked a rando associate to find the information for him. Mike resorts to pleading to figure out a way that he can get back into Harvey's good graces, and stupidly reminds Harvey that Jessica extorted him and didn't give him a choice. Rookie move, Mike. Harvey is less pissed about what actually went down, and more pissed that he didn't come to him immediately after Jessica threatened him. "Anyone comes at you with any threat at all, you come to me! I don't give a shit if it's the Queen of England. You come to me. You tell me. You tell me everything! That's what goddamn loyalty is." Word, Harvey. Harvey leaves to let Mike feel like he's about two inches tall; and of course, to make him feel more guilty, he sees Rachel from afar and ruminates about how he's fucked up just about EVERYTHING.

We meet up again with Mike, who has run over to Rachel's apartment. He barely waits a nanosecond after she allows him entry to her apartment before he starts loudly ranting; he explains that she was right earlier, and he's going to tell her everything she could possibly know about him, and at the end, they're either going to break up f'realsies, or they're going to have hot intro in her awesome bed. She automatically agrees, and let's face it; wouldn't you? Mike is a dumbass, but he's still a hot and charming genius-dumbass.

It seems that his brazen honest actually worked, because they wake up together in her bed in various states of undress. He confesses how good it feels to be honest with someone, especially her, and she sasses him about "honesty being the best policy," which gets him so hot that he dives under the comforter to go down on her and makes her giggle like crazy. Get it, girl!

Louis is scheming, per usual, and goes to Darby's office to convince him to allow him to be quartermaster. It's their first time meeting, but Darby didn't get where he is by not kissing everyone's ass so he can call in favors like crazy, so he praises Louis for being a good senior partner and for whipping the associates into badass-shape. He so has Louis' number, ha! Louis did his research too, and plies Darby with his favorite goodies, including a fancy pen to sign the order to make him quartermaster. Darby informs him that they already have one, but Louis was born for this job, you guys, so Darby eventually caves to Louis' begging. I can't see how this could possibly go wrong!

Harvey and Eva meet with the U.S. Attorney, Richard Jensen, who Harvey knows decently well from working at the DA's office. Eva brings up the fact that everyone in the oil business who has been charged with this crime (who are all men, BTW) were simply fined, so it's unfair and sexist for them to be pushing so hard for a prison sentence for her. Jensen is like, "Yeah, but I'm not charging you because you're a woman, I'm charging you because you bribed a guy, which is pretty illegal." Harvey asks to speak with him privately, and basically opens up a checkbook and asks how much he wants; Richard is not playing that game though, and reiterates that he won't settle for anything less than a prison sentence. Harvey correctly assumes that Richard is running for office, but the guy won't even budge when Harvey brings up their "bond" from working together with the District Attorney. Harvey, desperate, asks nicely, but Richard's not playing, so Harvey gets pissed and tells him that he won't forget this. Jensen's like, "But ~our bond~! Guess it wasn't as strong as you said, if this one time completely destroys it."

Meanwhile, Rachel helps Mike help Harvey by running interference with Donna, which involves pretending that Richard Gere is in the lobby. When they've skipped away, Mike sneaks into Harvey's office and drops a file on his desk.

Nigel decides to come to Louis' office to congratulate him on the quartermaster position, and Louis is smug and rude about it, of course, because have you met Louis? Nigel even brought him Uniballs and bran bars! He asks if Louis would be willing to reconsider stepping down, but again: Louis. It's not happening. Nigel smiles an evil smile and exacts his revenge, since he banked on Louis responding this way. He smugly states that that Louis should have read the new firm bylaws; at Darby International, they have a bunch of rules that transferred over during the merger, including a ridiculous one that states "One cannot be in charge of both the animate and the inanimate." Which is the stupidest bylaw in the history of ever, but no one asked me, I guess. Louis realizes the implications even before Nigel can add, "Your precious associates are mine,"  like Gollum after the Ring. Louis reaches for the phone and is just about to dial when Nigel reminds him of how foolish he would look if he begged to get rid of the job that he literally JUST begged to get in the first place. Now it's Louis who is begging him to reconsider, but Nigel reminds him that he gave him an opportunity to make up for it and he chose not to, so this is all on Louis. AND, as usual, Louis is the architect of his own unhappiness.

Donna pops on over to Mike's new office to ask him a stupid, pointless favor in order to make a point; the point being that breaking into Harvey's office when he isn't there is not the way to earn his trust back, and thus is also a pointless task. Donna returns the file he left and explains the simple concept that this boy-genius has yet to grasp--Harvey didn't value him for his work, although that was icing on the cake--Harvey valued him for his loyalty, which he destroyed by not being straight with him about Jessica's schemes. She also informs him that it only took her about half a second to realize that he is back with Rachel, so that's just another nail on his coffin w/r/t Harvey. The only way he can earn Harvey's  trust again is to build a time machine and go back and do it differently. Mike tells her that like him or not, Harvey is still going to need what's in that file if he wants to win; luckily for them both, Mike hid several copies in Harvey's office, just to be safe. Donna, not at all impressed, reminds him that even if they use it, it's not going to win back Mike any favor with either of them.

Mike is pretty hurt, no matter how true the words are, and asks her to separate her friendship with him from her friendship with Harvey. Donna can't and won't do that, though, because he fucked her over just as much by screwing over Harvey-- she has had his back from day one, just the same as Harvey, whether he appreciates it or not. He assures her that he does, and then has the nerve to stupidly bring up that one time Donna fucked up during Hardman's scheming to get Harvey fired, as if that will help his case. Donna more than a little pissed now, and reminds him of the fact that when that happened, she didn't get a new office, she got FIRED. Donna 5, Mike 1, if I'm counting correctly.

The next morning, Mike finds Benjamin the IT dude sitting outside the firm, eating a Egg McMuffin and soaking up his 5 minutes of daily offline time. Ben is, as always, unhappy to see Mike, but Mike tells him he doesn't need any more enemies, he needs a friend, and also a favor. As a sign of good faith, he gives Benjamin the Dictaphone to erase his confession, and asks if Benjamin can make him a time machine, and if he can have a bite of his sandwich. Ben's pretty puzzled about the first part of the offer, and appalled by the second part; he's a germaphobe, apparently, so, when Mike takes his bite, Ben just tells him to keep it.

Harvey shows up for work, and Donna asks how it went with Richard Jenson. Harvey can't understand why Jenson wouldn't back down, but Donna thinks she knows why, and hands him the file from Mike. He reads it and immediately gets it. "Son of a bitch. [beat] Wait a second, let me guess--Mike?" Donna reminds him that he can still accept Mike's help without forgiving him or doing him any favors, and of course Harvey agrees, because it works to his benefit. So, armed with his new information, Harvey sets off to go back and threaten Richard a bit.

At the US Attorney's office, Harvey exposits for our benefit what Mike found out about him; namely, that Richard Jenson's biggest campaign contributor is ALSO Eva Hessington's biggest competitor, so there's definitely some sleazy conflict of interest going on here. Richard points out their time at the DA's Office, and reminds him that it doesn't change the fact that he's going after someone who actually is guilty of a crime, and that he will be able to do great things in office. However, Harvey has never claimed to be part of that "greater-good" bullshit like Jenson and their former DA, Cameron, so he tells him so, before instructing him to cut them a deal and get a new campaign donor.

Jessica approaches Darby in her office and brings up his connection to Eva Hessington. He admits that her father was his first client, and points out that it's not exactly a secret, but Jessica retorts, "I think he was a little bit more than that." Still clearly not willing to get into details, Darby shrugs and says simply that it was a different time then. He's more curious as to why she cares, Jessica insists that she doesn't give a fuck if he's gay-- she just doesn't want Harvey to be able to use it as leverage or blackmail. Her main concern is that if she could figure it out, Harvey definitely could just as easily. Darby assures her that he doesn't believe Harvey actually wants to leave the firm, but I'm not sure if that is comforting to her.

Harvey is standing around the elevators when he is confronted by his old boss, former District Attorney Cameron, who is shady as hell. He's here to inform Harvey that Jenson recused himself from the case and hired a Special Prosecutor, which of course is himself. Harvey rightly points out that he's a "corrupt prick," which leads Cameron to accuse him of having no loyalty. He even gets in a couple subtle burns by asking him whether Jessica will be fighting his battle, or if he'll run away scared like he did when he worked at the DA's Office. Harvey, super pissed now, answers that he'll do neither, but is thankful that Cameron came all the way here to remind Harvey that he doesn't run away from a fight. Ohhhh, shit's about to go down.

Mike and Jessica are in Mike's office again, and Mike is trying to explain to Jessica how he doesn't want to be there if it means being number 1 on Harvey's shit-list. Jessica plays it cool, and reminds him that that is between him and Harvey. Mike points out that it's actually Jessica's fault for coming between them in the first place to win the bet. Mike brings out the big guns by showing her a letter she wrote, addressed to the DA, exposing Mike, that she never sent. Jessica's like, "Uh, letter? What letter? I never wrote a letter like that," looking suspiciously around the room. Mike reassures her that he's not recording her, because he doesn't have to-- he found the proof on her hard drive, thanks to his new best friend Benjamin the IT dude. Way to go, dude!

Jessica's smile tightens and she asks him what he wants. What he wants is to know if she would have traded in her car at 16 if it had meant her parents would get back together. She actually gets pretty defensive, and reminds him that the question is pointless, because she never had that choice-- Mike, on the other hand, DOES have that choice, as he points out, so he's going to take advantage of the opportunity. "I didn't earn it, I don't want it, and if there's a chance it'll help Harvey forgive me, I'm going to take it." Before he walks through the door, he adds that if she ever does send that letter, she'll be in trouble as well. She makes that same face she made at Harvey earlier, the combination of hateful-defeated-impressed-proud, because her protegées are pretty badass lawyers and schemers, even if they're constantly giving her nothing but trouble and stress.

Harvey goes to speak with Darby again, this time to change the stakes on their wager. Darby points out that with the whole Cameron plot-twist, the chances of Harvey winning just got slimmer, but Harvey reminds him that it was always going to be a tough case-- now, it's just going to be tougher and/or a little more complicated. Darby correctly assumes that Harvey is here to use the now-increased difficulty of the case as leverage to modify the terms of their agreement. Harvey confirms this by vaguely bringing up Eva's dad, and how he knows how important he is to Darby. Darby, bored and annoyed, just flat-out asks what he wants in order to finish this conversation quickly. Harvey explains that he no longer wants Darby to fire him if he wins the case; he wants him to instead back him in his bid for managing partner. "You want to take down Jessica?" Darby asks incredulously. "Yes, yes I do." Harvey replies confidently. Wowwwwww, that escalated quickly. This is going to end SO BADLY FOR ALL OF THEM, OMG.

Next week, according to the promo: Jessica figures out what's what, and shit hits the fan. As usual.

[photos from this Screencapped.net album]

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